Thinking thoughts...
Jul 13, 2014 1:30:27 GMT -7
Post by Akua on Jul 13, 2014 1:30:27 GMT -7
There are periods of time when I feel like I am so so so on fire for the Lord, ready to spread my light into the world, ready to share my testimony from the rooftops because God is good all the time and His mercy is incomprehensible.
And there are also long, long stretches of time where I feel like I am just at a standstill. Not moving, not learning, and certainly not growing. I feel so saturated with the world and with myself (it has become such a problem... its really has) and with school and with television and whatever else I feel like needs to preoccupy my time and I just don't know. And in times like this, where I feel unmoving and uninspired, and just bleh, I write. I come up with topics to write about, and this is one of those times.
To be honest, if I want to be really really honest with myself and a little self-serving (read: a lot self-serving), I think that my faith looks a lot better on paper. Like I can type out these awesome (at least to me!) posts about seeking God's blessings, and letting God decide my dating path, or give some Godly advice as best as I can, or make them catchy quotes/mottos to post on the 31Women website... but taking that 2D faith and transforming it into 3D, real-life action seems nearly impossible to me.
I think that being able to write about faith-filled topics just makes things so neat and tidy. That I can use an example here and a funny story there and tie up the Christian message in a cute and tidy way. That I can end with an inspiring hashtag, and feel like I've really changed the world with my absolutely awe-inspiring, accolade-worthy posts (only like 60% kidding ) . To go further, I love reading a lot of the things that Paul writes in the New Testament not because of the Word, but because he is an absolutely beautiful writer. And I know I should be focusing on the gospel message a lot more than his writing style, but I really can't help it... I like his books of the Bible simply because his words are laced with beauty, with metaphor, and with style- and I honestly would love to use those linguistic talents in some of my own work. I think that this is problematic, in and of itself, and I think I need to check before I wreck myself real soon (and that's what I aim to do here).
Do I think I'm a little disingenuous when I write some of these posts on this forum? To some extent- I don't think I'm at the point in my relationship with God where I can say that my hopeful and inspiring words actually match up with my lifestyle. If I want to be totally confessing in everything tonight, I just downloaded the song "Wimbledon" by "Rich White Ladies" because the beat was so tight and I thought that the lyrics were hilarious. Serious reader's discretion is advised, the song is absolutely laden with profanity... (like seriously, vulgarity is PROMINENT in this song; an entire part of the chorus is a certain swear word repeated over and over again). The song and its fairly crass lyrics will probably get stuck in your head and if you have struggled or are currently struggling with profanity, I would strongly caution you against listening to the song.
I also want to say that sometimes I feel a little unapologetic with my "harmless" sins like this. I try to rationalize things with myself, saying "oh, my vanity isn't really much of a sin.... God wants us to look beautiful, and I'm not hurting anyone by obsessing over how I look... yeah I'm just going to check my self out one more time", and "oh, there's nothing wrong with a song made up entirely of profanity... it's just a fun song that I can dance to and God knows my heart...". It's sometimes just so hard accepting that in terms of the absolute morality of the universe, me and my self-serving personality is no-ifs-ands-or-buts wrong.
And so I write, so I can feel right again. <--- (check out that wordplay! Am Iwrite right? ) I write nice little posts on here or on the 31Women tumblr, so that I can feel better about myself and feel like I've really helped someone that day and just feel "right" again. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to express myself in words or in literary context for the Lord, but when I don't allow my words to be transformed by the Holy Spirit, when my words just remain letters strung together and not renewing, cleansing utterances of praise, then there is a problem. I don't want my "words" to be in vain, and I don't want my testimony to remain bound by the rules of grammar and literary technique.
Even though I think that I'm pretty good with words, I think that the Christian experience is so much more than cute little sayings wrapped up in tiny little bows. It is nitty, it is gritty, it is painful, and it is full of shame, sorrow, and worldly rejection. I wholeheartedly believe that Christian experience is as real as the people who live and breathe it, and as real as the very very flawed humans who take partake in it, and as real as the Savior who died to set us free from our nitty-gritty-painful-shameful-sorrowful-rejected selves. Jesus didn't die for my cute little quotes, and my (somewhat!) thought-out posts. For some reason, He thought I was worth everything, even though sin made me nothing. And how can you fully encapsulate that into words? How can you even begin to explain the power of this unfailing love in words that can't even get close to describing who God is and what He's done for me?
I say this in every post, but I don't exactly know where this thread went... but I do think that I always learn from when I start these things. I think what I'm trying to say is that although it's always great to be able to write fantastic posts on here about whatever God wants from our lives, I don't want that to be the only thing that I lean on. I don't want to be living off of sayings... I want to LIVE out my words, and I will ask that you guys both help in praying for me to do just that (and also pray to live out your own words in your own lives)! Let's be as genuine as we can in 2014, because I truly and honestly believe that God is as real as we make ourselves out to be. It's about not letting words be your everything, but letting the actions of real, sincere love and mercy and redemption tell your story. I am so tempted to end this post with #realtalk, but as to avoid getting poked fun at by monkeyandbananas and annaimous, I'll stop here ( ).
He died for the sin-stained me that I am and He never looked back... my words will never be enough but let the God of the Universe know that I want to dedicate my life to being a whole lot more than the words that I can say or type. 26 letters and a hashtag just isn't enough to fully capture His grace in my life, and so this is my commitment to. being. more.
my past self <<<<< what God has in store for me.
Thank you guys for reading, and may you all stay blessed in your lives.
And there are also long, long stretches of time where I feel like I am just at a standstill. Not moving, not learning, and certainly not growing. I feel so saturated with the world and with myself (it has become such a problem... its really has) and with school and with television and whatever else I feel like needs to preoccupy my time and I just don't know. And in times like this, where I feel unmoving and uninspired, and just bleh, I write. I come up with topics to write about, and this is one of those times.
To be honest, if I want to be really really honest with myself and a little self-serving (read: a lot self-serving), I think that my faith looks a lot better on paper. Like I can type out these awesome (at least to me!) posts about seeking God's blessings, and letting God decide my dating path, or give some Godly advice as best as I can, or make them catchy quotes/mottos to post on the 31Women website... but taking that 2D faith and transforming it into 3D, real-life action seems nearly impossible to me.
I think that being able to write about faith-filled topics just makes things so neat and tidy. That I can use an example here and a funny story there and tie up the Christian message in a cute and tidy way. That I can end with an inspiring hashtag, and feel like I've really changed the world with my absolutely awe-inspiring, accolade-worthy posts (only like 60% kidding ) . To go further, I love reading a lot of the things that Paul writes in the New Testament not because of the Word, but because he is an absolutely beautiful writer. And I know I should be focusing on the gospel message a lot more than his writing style, but I really can't help it... I like his books of the Bible simply because his words are laced with beauty, with metaphor, and with style- and I honestly would love to use those linguistic talents in some of my own work. I think that this is problematic, in and of itself, and I think I need to check before I wreck myself real soon (and that's what I aim to do here).
Do I think I'm a little disingenuous when I write some of these posts on this forum? To some extent- I don't think I'm at the point in my relationship with God where I can say that my hopeful and inspiring words actually match up with my lifestyle. If I want to be totally confessing in everything tonight, I just downloaded the song "Wimbledon" by "Rich White Ladies" because the beat was so tight and I thought that the lyrics were hilarious. Serious reader's discretion is advised, the song is absolutely laden with profanity... (like seriously, vulgarity is PROMINENT in this song; an entire part of the chorus is a certain swear word repeated over and over again). The song and its fairly crass lyrics will probably get stuck in your head and if you have struggled or are currently struggling with profanity, I would strongly caution you against listening to the song.
I also want to say that sometimes I feel a little unapologetic with my "harmless" sins like this. I try to rationalize things with myself, saying "oh, my vanity isn't really much of a sin.... God wants us to look beautiful, and I'm not hurting anyone by obsessing over how I look... yeah I'm just going to check my self out one more time", and "oh, there's nothing wrong with a song made up entirely of profanity... it's just a fun song that I can dance to and God knows my heart...". It's sometimes just so hard accepting that in terms of the absolute morality of the universe, me and my self-serving personality is no-ifs-ands-or-buts wrong.
And so I write, so I can feel right again. <--- (check out that wordplay! Am I
Even though I think that I'm pretty good with words, I think that the Christian experience is so much more than cute little sayings wrapped up in tiny little bows. It is nitty, it is gritty, it is painful, and it is full of shame, sorrow, and worldly rejection. I wholeheartedly believe that Christian experience is as real as the people who live and breathe it, and as real as the very very flawed humans who take partake in it, and as real as the Savior who died to set us free from our nitty-gritty-painful-shameful-sorrowful-rejected selves. Jesus didn't die for my cute little quotes, and my (somewhat!) thought-out posts. For some reason, He thought I was worth everything, even though sin made me nothing. And how can you fully encapsulate that into words? How can you even begin to explain the power of this unfailing love in words that can't even get close to describing who God is and what He's done for me?
I say this in every post, but I don't exactly know where this thread went... but I do think that I always learn from when I start these things. I think what I'm trying to say is that although it's always great to be able to write fantastic posts on here about whatever God wants from our lives, I don't want that to be the only thing that I lean on. I don't want to be living off of sayings... I want to LIVE out my words, and I will ask that you guys both help in praying for me to do just that (and also pray to live out your own words in your own lives)! Let's be as genuine as we can in 2014, because I truly and honestly believe that God is as real as we make ourselves out to be. It's about not letting words be your everything, but letting the actions of real, sincere love and mercy and redemption tell your story. I am so tempted to end this post with #realtalk, but as to avoid getting poked fun at by monkeyandbananas and annaimous, I'll stop here ( ).
He died for the sin-stained me that I am and He never looked back... my words will never be enough but let the God of the Universe know that I want to dedicate my life to being a whole lot more than the words that I can say or type. 26 letters and a hashtag just isn't enough to fully capture His grace in my life, and so this is my commitment to. being. more.
my past self <<<<< what God has in store for me.
Thank you guys for reading, and may you all stay blessed in your lives.