I have this awful problem...
Jul 24, 2014 12:50:52 GMT -7
Post by Akua on Jul 24, 2014 12:50:52 GMT -7
My problem wholly rests upon the fact that I can't do anything- and I mean, anything- without seeking validation or self-gratification.
I first realized this phenomenon, this personal demon, a month or two ago when I noticed that there was a bunch of unwashed dishes in the sink and my mom was somewhere being busy at the bank or at the grocery store or something. She didn't tell me to wash the dishes in the sink, but I thought, hey, why not wash them? I just knew that it would be a good, unselfish thing for me to do! (that was problem #1... .smh.... anyway, we continue).
When she got home from the bank or the grocery store or whatever, she walked into the kitchen and didn't seem to notice the absolutely grueling and strenuous efforts I put in into washing the dishes without being told. Obviously, to my very human and very self-serving self, this just wouldn't do. *
The conversation that followed went something along the lines of:
Me: Hey mom, how was the bank/grocery store/whatever?
Mom: It was fine-
Me: So mom, I washed all of the dishes by myself and I don't even think you noticed.
Mom: Oh thank yo-
Me: You didn't even tell me to do it but I washed them. All of them.
And if I couldn't be any more insufferable, I made absolutely sure that my mom knew that it was just me who had put all of that time and effort into washing the dishes in the sink. Not older sister #1, not older sister #2, not the dishwasher (which we never ever use because we are African... 'nother story for another day...), but me! It was all me. Nobody else could get my glory for me trudging through this arduous task.
Although I thought I had set out with the intention of easing the load on my mother's shoulders, it was just a vainglorious attempt for me to feel good about myself. That I could feel like "hey, my day didn't go completely to waste! I gave up myself a little in washing the dishes so my mother didn't have to... wasn't that an absolutely altruistic thing for me to do?" *sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm with a little dash of pure smh in there*
So then I ask you people this- can we, as humans, ever experience or practice true altruism? Is it even possible for our sin-brewed hearts to ever truly give without expecting anything in return, serve without being served in return, and love without expecting love in return? I recently donated to a few Gofundme campaigns (mission trips and a cancer treatment funds) and I felt so good in doing so! Like hey, the money that I might have used to buy unnecessary makeup or food is now going to good causes! Look at me! .... and when I think about it, when I help others, although I do aim to make sure whoever needs the help gets the help, I know that a large part of my giving is validated by me getting to feel good about myself. Getting to feel like I've done something worthwhile in my Christian walk, like I am actually a good human being in this world. And I think that keeping with the mentality that I have is a sure step towards danger.
The ONLY example of true, utmost altruism that I've seen here upon this Earth would unequivocally be the dying of Christ on the cross- for the sake of the very same people who mocked, cursed, vilified, demonized, hated, framed, and crucified him in the first place. Christ had absolutely nothing to gain from saving us wretched people but an excruciating death and the weight of the world upon His shoulders.... Christ, as we say, is an anomaly because His actions here upon this Earth were made for the sole point of bringing the Good News- the Gospel- to us lost people of the world! He didn't perform incomprehensible miracles for Himself- so that everybody might see him as the flashy and sophisticated miracle magician from up above. He didn't heal others for Himself- so that He could toot His own horn and pronounce to the world that we might as well call him Dr. Jesus, M.D. from now on (the image of this right now is making me giggle!) He did it because for SOME reason, we awful, slandering, misinformed sin-stained wrecks were worth it all to the point of death to Him.
I mean, God never needed us.... He has dominion over the entirety of the Universe, domain over the expanses of the Heavenly Kingdom.... why would He need somebody in the likes of me, a fickle seventeen year old, to approve of Him? Psalms 8 describes this anomaly perfectly... who is man that God should be mindful of us? To make us a little lower than the angels, and crown us with glory and honor?! Why? Huh? What's up with that? His strength is perfect, His pure, genuine altruism of giving and loving and SACRIFICING for a world that is too wicked to ever comprehend Him is unparalleled (...run-on sentences for the win!!) and His love is to die for... (too morbid? Welp!) And our human "altruism" or "selfless" giving just can never compare.
What I'm trying to say (I really do hope the 'to die for' bit wasn't too inappropriate...) is that I need prayers from everybody that is reading this... that I don't go about my "selflessness" with a hidden agenda, and that I use Christ as a true model of giving, and not own my skewed sense of altruism. Pray that I, and everybody else who is reading this, can continue to give and serve and love to the best of our abilities, and that God can do the rest for us. Let us not get caught up in our selves (this is a direct calling out of myself... smh the truth hurtssss) and let us be true givers and lovers and doers of the Word. I mean, it doesn't make sense that Christ chose us to be the beneficiaries of His unadulterated altruism... but since we have, we owe it ALL to Him. *cue He wants it All by Forever Jones here *
To wrap up this post, y'all KNOW that I have a few questions that we should all ponder and discuss... Here it goes. For me, as the aforementioned 17 year old teen who honestly and completely feels like I have so many better things to do with my life than wash the dishes (when we have a perfectly working dishwasher**), is it my Christian obligation to wash them without being asked? Aren't we supposed to give with a joyful heart? Should we even be giving or serving or washing dishes when we don't have that true, willing joy in our hearts? Are we being disingenuous when we say we like to help people out of the goodness of our hearts, when really a lot of us like to help people because it makes us feel good inside? To that fact, is there anything wrong with seeking appreciation for the things that you've done? Or is it just a return to selfishness and self-love in the end?
Thank you for listening to my random thoughts and honest musings! You people are great. Stay blessed and stay wise, always.
*= Also I know that since I would really like to be a mother one day, I better get used to not being thanked for the simple things that I do hahahaa.
**=For those of you who are not familiar with African style parenting, or at least Akua's parents' style of parenting, why would anybody spend money and energy utilizing a dishwasher when you can just give birth to three manual hand-washers... I mean children...)
I first realized this phenomenon, this personal demon, a month or two ago when I noticed that there was a bunch of unwashed dishes in the sink and my mom was somewhere being busy at the bank or at the grocery store or something. She didn't tell me to wash the dishes in the sink, but I thought, hey, why not wash them? I just knew that it would be a good, unselfish thing for me to do! (that was problem #1... .smh.... anyway, we continue).
When she got home from the bank or the grocery store or whatever, she walked into the kitchen and didn't seem to notice the absolutely grueling and strenuous efforts I put in into washing the dishes without being told. Obviously, to my very human and very self-serving self, this just wouldn't do. *
The conversation that followed went something along the lines of:
Me: Hey mom, how was the bank/grocery store/whatever?
Mom: It was fine-
Me: So mom, I washed all of the dishes by myself and I don't even think you noticed.
Mom: Oh thank yo-
Me: You didn't even tell me to do it but I washed them. All of them.
And if I couldn't be any more insufferable, I made absolutely sure that my mom knew that it was just me who had put all of that time and effort into washing the dishes in the sink. Not older sister #1, not older sister #2, not the dishwasher (which we never ever use because we are African... 'nother story for another day...), but me! It was all me. Nobody else could get my glory for me trudging through this arduous task.
Although I thought I had set out with the intention of easing the load on my mother's shoulders, it was just a vainglorious attempt for me to feel good about myself. That I could feel like "hey, my day didn't go completely to waste! I gave up myself a little in washing the dishes so my mother didn't have to... wasn't that an absolutely altruistic thing for me to do?" *sarcasm sarcasm sarcasm with a little dash of pure smh in there*
So then I ask you people this- can we, as humans, ever experience or practice true altruism? Is it even possible for our sin-brewed hearts to ever truly give without expecting anything in return, serve without being served in return, and love without expecting love in return? I recently donated to a few Gofundme campaigns (mission trips and a cancer treatment funds) and I felt so good in doing so! Like hey, the money that I might have used to buy unnecessary makeup or food is now going to good causes! Look at me! .... and when I think about it, when I help others, although I do aim to make sure whoever needs the help gets the help, I know that a large part of my giving is validated by me getting to feel good about myself. Getting to feel like I've done something worthwhile in my Christian walk, like I am actually a good human being in this world. And I think that keeping with the mentality that I have is a sure step towards danger.
The ONLY example of true, utmost altruism that I've seen here upon this Earth would unequivocally be the dying of Christ on the cross- for the sake of the very same people who mocked, cursed, vilified, demonized, hated, framed, and crucified him in the first place. Christ had absolutely nothing to gain from saving us wretched people but an excruciating death and the weight of the world upon His shoulders.... Christ, as we say, is an anomaly because His actions here upon this Earth were made for the sole point of bringing the Good News- the Gospel- to us lost people of the world! He didn't perform incomprehensible miracles for Himself- so that everybody might see him as the flashy and sophisticated miracle magician from up above. He didn't heal others for Himself- so that He could toot His own horn and pronounce to the world that we might as well call him Dr. Jesus, M.D. from now on (the image of this right now is making me giggle!) He did it because for SOME reason, we awful, slandering, misinformed sin-stained wrecks were worth it all to the point of death to Him.
I mean, God never needed us.... He has dominion over the entirety of the Universe, domain over the expanses of the Heavenly Kingdom.... why would He need somebody in the likes of me, a fickle seventeen year old, to approve of Him? Psalms 8 describes this anomaly perfectly... who is man that God should be mindful of us? To make us a little lower than the angels, and crown us with glory and honor?! Why? Huh? What's up with that? His strength is perfect, His pure, genuine altruism of giving and loving and SACRIFICING for a world that is too wicked to ever comprehend Him is unparalleled (...run-on sentences for the win!!) and His love is to die for... (too morbid? Welp!) And our human "altruism" or "selfless" giving just can never compare.
What I'm trying to say (I really do hope the 'to die for' bit wasn't too inappropriate...) is that I need prayers from everybody that is reading this... that I don't go about my "selflessness" with a hidden agenda, and that I use Christ as a true model of giving, and not own my skewed sense of altruism. Pray that I, and everybody else who is reading this, can continue to give and serve and love to the best of our abilities, and that God can do the rest for us. Let us not get caught up in our selves (this is a direct calling out of myself... smh the truth hurtssss) and let us be true givers and lovers and doers of the Word. I mean, it doesn't make sense that Christ chose us to be the beneficiaries of His unadulterated altruism... but since we have, we owe it ALL to Him. *cue He wants it All by Forever Jones here *
To wrap up this post, y'all KNOW that I have a few questions that we should all ponder and discuss... Here it goes. For me, as the aforementioned 17 year old teen who honestly and completely feels like I have so many better things to do with my life than wash the dishes (when we have a perfectly working dishwasher**), is it my Christian obligation to wash them without being asked? Aren't we supposed to give with a joyful heart? Should we even be giving or serving or washing dishes when we don't have that true, willing joy in our hearts? Are we being disingenuous when we say we like to help people out of the goodness of our hearts, when really a lot of us like to help people because it makes us feel good inside? To that fact, is there anything wrong with seeking appreciation for the things that you've done? Or is it just a return to selfishness and self-love in the end?
Thank you for listening to my random thoughts and honest musings! You people are great. Stay blessed and stay wise, always.
*= Also I know that since I would really like to be a mother one day, I better get used to not being thanked for the simple things that I do hahahaa.
**=For those of you who are not familiar with African style parenting, or at least Akua's parents' style of parenting, why would anybody spend money and energy utilizing a dishwasher when you can just give birth to three manual hand-washers... I mean children...)