Coming back to God
Oct 11, 2014 8:34:51 GMT -7
Post by Akua on Oct 11, 2014 8:34:51 GMT -7
What a whirlwind college is.
Like usual, I don't really have a specific topic I'd like to write upon but I'm praying that my words will just flow in a way that makes it easy for comprehension.
College is a whirlwind, yes, but not in the peer pressure and parties and drugs and alcohol that you see on Lifetime original movies. While all of those things do happen, I've come to the understanding that college isn't difficult because of the peer pressure- it's difficult because of the agency to choose what you're going to get into.
There was nobody forcing me to drink at that party- I chose to. There was nobody telling me to skip church all those weeks.... I made the conscious decisions to avoid keeping my Sabbath. When a guy and I were getting a little too hot and heavy that one time (or that time again.... and again... and again..), he was not pressuring me in any way. It was me.
And that's such a scary feeling. To have focused on giving my all to God this summer and actively avoiding Him within the first two months of college because I wanted to continue all of my things without shame or guilt or judgment. I want to keep making out with my guy, I wanted to do things that I wanted to do on the Sabbath, I wanted to live my life in a carefree manner.... because everyone around me was doing the same things without any consequence.
It got to the point where I felt so out-of-tune with my God that I heavily considered flat-out forsaking Him. That I didn't need Him and His guidance anymore. I could figure out this college thing by myself, and I didn't need to feel bad every time I wanted to go further with my limits. I even asked some female friends and some older women's advice about all of this to ease my conscience, and when they told me things I didn't want to hear, I lashed out. It wasn't fair that I couldn't live my life in the way that my flesh pleased.
I honestly don't know what happened next. Maybe it was between the makeout sessions and the drinking and the feelings of shame that God found me again. Maybe it was in the Bible studies that I went to to feel like I was doing something right. Maybe it was in the still of the night as I lay in shame and in worry that I hadn't been true to my soul's plea. Last week I went to a Christian retreat, and at many times I thought that it was cheesy and campy and very surface level Christianity- Until I felt God's overwhelming presence as I fell down to my knees and cried and prayed and admitted and acknowledge for the first time in weeks. I still don't know how, or WHY, but my Savior was there and He embraced me and my shame.
I've had Depth of Mercy by Selah on repeat as I've been typing this. I wish I could explain what it feels like to be forgiven by the God of the Universe when I thought that I didn't need Him. My God-shaped hole in my heart could not be filled by vodka or 2nd base or parties and I'm only so grateful to have been given the opportunity to be forgiven and welcomed back.
I didn't realize it until I started typing, but I think that I truly am a prodigal daughter. Me- Akua, college freshman who got out of the house and decided to see what the flesh was all about. God has a bigger plan than the cheap thrills than what the world can offer, and I am just so grateful. My words do not do His glory justice, but all I can say is thank God.
Thanks for listening to my tell-all. I think it may sound a little dramatic, but salvation is a dramatic experience. Jesus coming down from His glory to the swampy depths of humanity so that someone in the likes of me could be forgiven after I rejected, avoided, cursed Him and His reign. There is no greater Love, and I'm just so grateful.
Hope you all have some blessed weekends and please remember Romans 8:39 in your daily lives and walks. Please respond to this thread if you have any similar experiences or if you have any comments or if you're angry at God or anything at all. Discussion is so so so welcome here. Stay blessed
- Akua
Like usual, I don't really have a specific topic I'd like to write upon but I'm praying that my words will just flow in a way that makes it easy for comprehension.
College is a whirlwind, yes, but not in the peer pressure and parties and drugs and alcohol that you see on Lifetime original movies. While all of those things do happen, I've come to the understanding that college isn't difficult because of the peer pressure- it's difficult because of the agency to choose what you're going to get into.
There was nobody forcing me to drink at that party- I chose to. There was nobody telling me to skip church all those weeks.... I made the conscious decisions to avoid keeping my Sabbath. When a guy and I were getting a little too hot and heavy that one time (or that time again.... and again... and again..), he was not pressuring me in any way. It was me.
And that's such a scary feeling. To have focused on giving my all to God this summer and actively avoiding Him within the first two months of college because I wanted to continue all of my things without shame or guilt or judgment. I want to keep making out with my guy, I wanted to do things that I wanted to do on the Sabbath, I wanted to live my life in a carefree manner.... because everyone around me was doing the same things without any consequence.
It got to the point where I felt so out-of-tune with my God that I heavily considered flat-out forsaking Him. That I didn't need Him and His guidance anymore. I could figure out this college thing by myself, and I didn't need to feel bad every time I wanted to go further with my limits. I even asked some female friends and some older women's advice about all of this to ease my conscience, and when they told me things I didn't want to hear, I lashed out. It wasn't fair that I couldn't live my life in the way that my flesh pleased.
I honestly don't know what happened next. Maybe it was between the makeout sessions and the drinking and the feelings of shame that God found me again. Maybe it was in the Bible studies that I went to to feel like I was doing something right. Maybe it was in the still of the night as I lay in shame and in worry that I hadn't been true to my soul's plea. Last week I went to a Christian retreat, and at many times I thought that it was cheesy and campy and very surface level Christianity- Until I felt God's overwhelming presence as I fell down to my knees and cried and prayed and admitted and acknowledge for the first time in weeks. I still don't know how, or WHY, but my Savior was there and He embraced me and my shame.
I've had Depth of Mercy by Selah on repeat as I've been typing this. I wish I could explain what it feels like to be forgiven by the God of the Universe when I thought that I didn't need Him. My God-shaped hole in my heart could not be filled by vodka or 2nd base or parties and I'm only so grateful to have been given the opportunity to be forgiven and welcomed back.
I didn't realize it until I started typing, but I think that I truly am a prodigal daughter. Me- Akua, college freshman who got out of the house and decided to see what the flesh was all about. God has a bigger plan than the cheap thrills than what the world can offer, and I am just so grateful. My words do not do His glory justice, but all I can say is thank God.
Thanks for listening to my tell-all. I think it may sound a little dramatic, but salvation is a dramatic experience. Jesus coming down from His glory to the swampy depths of humanity so that someone in the likes of me could be forgiven after I rejected, avoided, cursed Him and His reign. There is no greater Love, and I'm just so grateful.
Hope you all have some blessed weekends and please remember Romans 8:39 in your daily lives and walks. Please respond to this thread if you have any similar experiences or if you have any comments or if you're angry at God or anything at all. Discussion is so so so welcome here. Stay blessed
- Akua