All my single ladies! :)
Jul 3, 2014 15:45:52 GMT -7
Post by Akua on Jul 3, 2014 15:45:52 GMT -7
My name is Akua.
I am single and I'm proud.
*cue the "hi Akua..."*
I am also single and a little tired of being single. Like what? You mean my relationship life isn't going to be as cute as Jim and Pam's relationship on the Office? Whaaaaaat? I feel robbed!
I also feel like I know God has a plan for me and my craziness, beyond whatever plan I could create for myself. I KNOW that I have had some crazy crushes in the past, and I have planned some outlandish weddings in my mind, and I know that if I were to get everything that I wanted in this life, this world would probably be a fairly hazardous place to live in. It's been a little tiresome waiting for God's plan though, I can't even lie.
We're about to get really personal. Up until like the age of 15, I was quite the ugly duckling. Glasses+braces+going to a school with uniforms+crippling social anxiety = . When I decided to take matters into my own hands and fix myself up (because I was tired of looking like cookie from ned's declassified.... ok now I gotta find a picture)
I suddenly got a lot more attention from guys. It was exhilarating and exhausting at the same time.... but I liked it. And then for two straight years after that, I returned those boys attentions. Always flirting with whatever guy I could get, always making myself look 'available' on twitter/instagram/facebook. It was also very very funny to me that like in the day, when I had straightened my hair and squinted my eyes (yes people... flat out refused to wear my eye glasses, even though I'm blind as a bat), put on my eyeliner and bronzed my cheeks, I could always make sure that I could have some guy checking for me. *cue fancy by iggy azalea right here*
But at night, when I put on my required glasses, and inserted my retainer, and wrapped up my hair, it was a completely different story. It was a little dangerous having this power of alter egos: the super hot bombshell wowza babe (highly exaggerated for dramatic effect) and the homely, miserly-looking, orthodontia-needing girl who could never leave the house in a state like that (...sadly not exaggerated). It was a fun little game I played for a long time. I was always still single, but a serial flirter and an expert selfie-taker and an innocent (or so I thought) player. I wasn't doing anything biblically wrong, so there was nothing to lose.
And then on one of the forums I belong to, an older woman posted a thread about Christian marriage/Christian relationships. And every single post on that thread looked foreign to me. A good type of foreign, but foreign. Foreign in the fact that I had never seen that kind of dedication or commitment in the guys that I had flirted with or talked to. Never ever. The boys I talked to were nice, for the most part, but they simply did not even compare to the stories that the ladies in this forum talked about in knowing that their husbands were the ones. (that sentence was very grammatically confusing, but I think you guys understand what I mean!). When the women talked about their husbands, you could just feel their love emanating from that dim blue forum. Their husbands were understanding and firm, solid and loving. Though great, their husbands were not perfect..... but they served a perfect God. And their wives were their balanced counterparts, knowing how to communicate and wanting much more than the shallow affection I had been used to. They were beautiful in their convictions and in their marriages, and they didn't require a platter full of makeup to be the best women that they could be.
Now to see that picture of spiritual love and the romance that God designed, appointed for us to enjoy, I knew that my coy little texts could not, WOULD NOT suffice. The boys I had been infatuated with called me cute and said I was funny (both true things; I am a hilariously cute individual, obviously ), but that was it. And
when I look back to all the times I had flirted with these same boys in the past, I know that I didn't offer up any sort of spiritually uplifting balance to the boys either. It was about "ooooh he's cute" and "oooHHHHH, he thinks I'M CUTE!!!" It was about ourselves. It was about ourselves and how we could live our lives vainly and get complimented on the regular and rest in knowing that all the efforts of trying to find the right outfit to impress the one cute guy paid off. Maybe it has to do with age, and how at the age of 15 or 16, not many people are wanting to insert anything spiritual or holy in these fun summer fling relationships. But maybe it had to do with my heart not being in the right place when I wanted to enter into the world of dating, and ending up dissatisfied, a little blind (still don't wear my glasses, btw hahah), and alone. And after reading that thread, with all of the lovely women and their stories about meeting their Godly husbands, I knew that I was worth more than what I was settling for. So I prayed. It was a weak prayer, probably something like "Dear Jesus, I'm a mess please help me.... (trailing off before I fell asleep)".
And then entered God. And for me, I've always been a little unsure about my relationship with God. Will He physically talk to me? If I hear His voice, how can I even trust that it's Him? I expected some sort of grand gesture, burning bush, manna from heaven type deal that showed me God's dating plan for me. There was no manna from heaven (although olive garden croutons are probably a close match), and God, unfortunately, did not write on my wall. What he did do, however, was change my heart slowly and surely. I didn't realize it at first, with me being so caught up with college applications and updating my twitter profile and making sure that I had the right selfie for #selfiesunday. But it was those weak, little, barely there prayers that gave me the strength. That helped me throughout my day and reassured me through hard times. And those barely there prayers soon turned into something that I can't even explain. I don't even know how to write in words how my life has turned around because of Christ, but it. just. did. I am still quite vain and I still think about cute boys for longer than I should. I even recently went on a boyfast, trying to prevent myself from flirting with a member of the opposite sex for as long I could, and I lasted for a good six days. The queen of self restraint, eh?
But God worked a wondrous thing in my life and I can't thank him enough. I know that I will have to commit myself to being waiting and watching until God places the right guy for me, a guy who I can love and grow with, and a guy who loves the Lord more than he loves me and my hilariously cute self. I want to be whole again, 100% okay with myself and what I feel, before I enter into the realm of dating and have to take care of another person and their feelings. And I want my God to lead me through this journey.
I meant this just to be a thing about being single and slightly proud of it but this turned into a testimony, and I'm okay with it. I thank God for redirecting my life and I want him to keep taking control of my life. When you know the Savior of your life is in control, I think that things just get a lot easier. So now my phone is less full of text messages and twitter mentions are virtually empty and the some of the only cute relationships I see are on Grey's Anatomy. But God is in control. And if the Master of the Universe is on your side, advocating for you and watching for you, who can complain? Thank you guys for bearing with me throughout this mini dissertation. God is good and so are you.
*stream of consciousness ends here*
I am single and I'm proud.
*cue the "hi Akua..."*
I am also single and a little tired of being single. Like what? You mean my relationship life isn't going to be as cute as Jim and Pam's relationship on the Office? Whaaaaaat? I feel robbed!
I also feel like I know God has a plan for me and my craziness, beyond whatever plan I could create for myself. I KNOW that I have had some crazy crushes in the past, and I have planned some outlandish weddings in my mind, and I know that if I were to get everything that I wanted in this life, this world would probably be a fairly hazardous place to live in. It's been a little tiresome waiting for God's plan though, I can't even lie.
We're about to get really personal. Up until like the age of 15, I was quite the ugly duckling. Glasses+braces+going to a school with uniforms+crippling social anxiety = . When I decided to take matters into my own hands and fix myself up (because I was tired of looking like cookie from ned's declassified.... ok now I gotta find a picture)
I suddenly got a lot more attention from guys. It was exhilarating and exhausting at the same time.... but I liked it. And then for two straight years after that, I returned those boys attentions. Always flirting with whatever guy I could get, always making myself look 'available' on twitter/instagram/facebook. It was also very very funny to me that like in the day, when I had straightened my hair and squinted my eyes (yes people... flat out refused to wear my eye glasses, even though I'm blind as a bat), put on my eyeliner and bronzed my cheeks, I could always make sure that I could have some guy checking for me. *cue fancy by iggy azalea right here*
But at night, when I put on my required glasses, and inserted my retainer, and wrapped up my hair, it was a completely different story. It was a little dangerous having this power of alter egos: the super hot bombshell wowza babe (highly exaggerated for dramatic effect) and the homely, miserly-looking, orthodontia-needing girl who could never leave the house in a state like that (...sadly not exaggerated). It was a fun little game I played for a long time. I was always still single, but a serial flirter and an expert selfie-taker and an innocent (or so I thought) player. I wasn't doing anything biblically wrong, so there was nothing to lose.
And then on one of the forums I belong to, an older woman posted a thread about Christian marriage/Christian relationships. And every single post on that thread looked foreign to me. A good type of foreign, but foreign. Foreign in the fact that I had never seen that kind of dedication or commitment in the guys that I had flirted with or talked to. Never ever. The boys I talked to were nice, for the most part, but they simply did not even compare to the stories that the ladies in this forum talked about in knowing that their husbands were the ones. (that sentence was very grammatically confusing, but I think you guys understand what I mean!). When the women talked about their husbands, you could just feel their love emanating from that dim blue forum. Their husbands were understanding and firm, solid and loving. Though great, their husbands were not perfect..... but they served a perfect God. And their wives were their balanced counterparts, knowing how to communicate and wanting much more than the shallow affection I had been used to. They were beautiful in their convictions and in their marriages, and they didn't require a platter full of makeup to be the best women that they could be.
Now to see that picture of spiritual love and the romance that God designed, appointed for us to enjoy, I knew that my coy little texts could not, WOULD NOT suffice. The boys I had been infatuated with called me cute and said I was funny (both true things; I am a hilariously cute individual, obviously ), but that was it. And
when I look back to all the times I had flirted with these same boys in the past, I know that I didn't offer up any sort of spiritually uplifting balance to the boys either. It was about "ooooh he's cute" and "oooHHHHH, he thinks I'M CUTE!!!" It was about ourselves. It was about ourselves and how we could live our lives vainly and get complimented on the regular and rest in knowing that all the efforts of trying to find the right outfit to impress the one cute guy paid off. Maybe it has to do with age, and how at the age of 15 or 16, not many people are wanting to insert anything spiritual or holy in these fun summer fling relationships. But maybe it had to do with my heart not being in the right place when I wanted to enter into the world of dating, and ending up dissatisfied, a little blind (still don't wear my glasses, btw hahah), and alone. And after reading that thread, with all of the lovely women and their stories about meeting their Godly husbands, I knew that I was worth more than what I was settling for. So I prayed. It was a weak prayer, probably something like "Dear Jesus, I'm a mess please help me.... (trailing off before I fell asleep)".
And then entered God. And for me, I've always been a little unsure about my relationship with God. Will He physically talk to me? If I hear His voice, how can I even trust that it's Him? I expected some sort of grand gesture, burning bush, manna from heaven type deal that showed me God's dating plan for me. There was no manna from heaven (although olive garden croutons are probably a close match), and God, unfortunately, did not write on my wall. What he did do, however, was change my heart slowly and surely. I didn't realize it at first, with me being so caught up with college applications and updating my twitter profile and making sure that I had the right selfie for #selfiesunday. But it was those weak, little, barely there prayers that gave me the strength. That helped me throughout my day and reassured me through hard times. And those barely there prayers soon turned into something that I can't even explain. I don't even know how to write in words how my life has turned around because of Christ, but it. just. did. I am still quite vain and I still think about cute boys for longer than I should. I even recently went on a boyfast, trying to prevent myself from flirting with a member of the opposite sex for as long I could, and I lasted for a good six days. The queen of self restraint, eh?
But God worked a wondrous thing in my life and I can't thank him enough. I know that I will have to commit myself to being waiting and watching until God places the right guy for me, a guy who I can love and grow with, and a guy who loves the Lord more than he loves me and my hilariously cute self. I want to be whole again, 100% okay with myself and what I feel, before I enter into the realm of dating and have to take care of another person and their feelings. And I want my God to lead me through this journey.
I meant this just to be a thing about being single and slightly proud of it but this turned into a testimony, and I'm okay with it. I thank God for redirecting my life and I want him to keep taking control of my life. When you know the Savior of your life is in control, I think that things just get a lot easier. So now my phone is less full of text messages and twitter mentions are virtually empty and the some of the only cute relationships I see are on Grey's Anatomy. But God is in control. And if the Master of the Universe is on your side, advocating for you and watching for you, who can complain? Thank you guys for bearing with me throughout this mini dissertation. God is good and so are you.
*stream of consciousness ends here*